Salamat sa lahat ng dumalo sa aking maliit na salu-salo. Nakompleto araw ko dahil sa inyo. Kumpleto na sana ang aking munting kaarawan ngunit hindi ko nakuha ang tanging bagay na hinihiling ko. Kaunting kalinawan lang naman ang aking hinihiling. Kaunting ilaw sa aking mundo. Kaunting mga sagot sa aking mga katanungan. Kaunting pansin. Kaunting kalinga. Ang daya.

Pero seryoso salamat sa lahat ng pumunta. Kahit isang beses man lang sa isang taon, napangiti ninyo ako at napatawa ninyo ako ng tunay.

It has been a while since I last touched this damn thing. There are so many things in my head right now. They keep running around in circles looking for a way out and what better way to get rid of them than to write them all down right here. My heart is exploding with hatred...hatred for my stupid mistakes for which I have done over and over again. I just can't seem to learn. I've been thinking for quite some time now, I clearly cannot find the solutions to my fucking problems yet people always say that I'll be able to surpise them with no problem at all. WRONG. You might think of me as a sturdy individual who can get pass through my undertakings in life at ease but that's just fucking wrong. True, most of the time I am able to get through them but it's not easy I tell you. It's because every time I fall, I tire out myself. Just like a pair of shoes I get worn out. I can't last forever my friend. There will come a time that I will have just to give it all up and I can't do anything about it.

Now here's a little something from Maynard James Keenan repertoire, A Perfect Circle's Three Libras and it goes something like this.

Threw you the obvious

And you flew with it on your back

A name in your recollection

Down among a million, say:

Difficult enough to feel a little bit

Disappointed, passed over.

When I've looked right through,

To see you naked and oblivious and you don't see me

Well I threw you the obvious,

Just to see if there's more behind the

Eyes of a fallen angel,

Eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit

Too much from the wounded

But I see,

See through it all,

See through,

And see you.

So I threw you the obvious

Do you see what occurs behind the

Eyes of a fallen angel

Eyes of a tragedy

Well, oh well..

Apparently nothing.

Apparently nothing at all.

You don't

You don't

You don't see me

You don't

You don't

You don't see me

You don't

You don't

You don't see me

You don't

You don't

You don't see me at all

The song is about the three women which he loved which all ended up quite bitter. I've been listening to this song since my highschool days but it's only now that I've come to my realizations that this is the perfect song for this episode of my life. I clearly knew that it was you. It was you that I've been wanting,longing and needing for all my life. It's just a matter of time before we finally take our own chosen paths and I'm afraid that it is inevitable for me to loose you in the process. Don't get me wrong, I am and will always be at your disposal and I am bound forever to fall in love with you. I just hate the fact that I didn't do much when I had the opportunity thinking that all my efforts will just be put into waste. But can you blame a hopeless romantic like me? I've always ended up with the wrong decisions when it came to the matters of the heart. I always ended up at losing part of the bargain and I've promised myself not to waste my time anymore if I think that this will just pass away. I was wrong. Now I can't even look at you straight in the eye. I still remember the first time I laid my eyes on you. For a moment, my world stopped. I can feel the rush within me and I knew right there and then that I needed to know you, I needed to be right by your side, that I needed you to enter my world to give it some warmth, light and especially hope. Then came our first conversation. I can still remember the things that you've said and it all made sense to me. I was shocked, you actually made sense, sense meaning that I understood what you were saying and you understood what I was actually trying to say. There I found a connection. All the great moments I had with you, it's still fresh in my mind and how I wish I can go back to those days and relive it again.

But it's all over now. You've already found him and I hope that he will take good care of you. I hope that he will love you like I know that you will love him with all your heart. And for the record, stop telling yourself that you're stupid because you are NOT. If you were stupid, then you'll end up with someone like me who cannot offer you shit or nothing. You're a great person and I wish you all the best in life. Goodbye for now.

I'll just keep myself busy with my academics. I'll try to get myself a diploma and I'll try to sort out things in my life. When the smoke clears, I hope to see you at the other end.

I just want to shoot myself at this very moment.

Sana ay mabasa mo ang entry na ito. Hindi ko na kailangan lagyan ng mabubulaklak na salita ang mga nilalaman ng sinasabi ko. Sa totoo lang gulung-gulo na ako kung saan ako magsisimula. Hindi ko alam kung alam mo na. Kung hindi man, sana man lang ay nararamdaman mo kahit papaano. Oo magulo akong tao. Alam ko yun kaya nga hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako malagay sa tahimik sa tuwing maiisip ko ang mga bagay-bagay na bumabagabag sa aking munting isipan. Mga simpleng bagay ginagawa ko pang komplikado, ngunit bakit? Kasi hindi ko kayang magawan ng paraan sa isang simpleng pasada, sa gitna ng gulo ay nakakahanap ako ng kapayapaan sa aking isipan. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nilalaman ng puso mo. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang itinutukoy ng iyong mga sinasabi. At lalong hindi rin naman ako umaasa sa iyo dahil napakainutil ko kumpara sa iyo. Ano nga ba ang nais kong iparating? Simple lang. Sa wakas ay masasabi ko sa isang simpleng pangungusap...